I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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