do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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