if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
