I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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