Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
