everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
