she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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