Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
