There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm at about main and main street
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
