I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
