Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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