Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
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