Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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