Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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