my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
