Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
farters have to be the big spoon...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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