My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
