it hurts more in the daytime
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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