mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
