You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
there is glitter all over my balls
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
