kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
