God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Randomize
