This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
