They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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