I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
