I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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