I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
