two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
