i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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