I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
