the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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