ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
