Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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