I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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