I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
