If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
bring money and cleavage
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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