we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
