Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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