You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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