thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I can't put those talents on a resume
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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