What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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