the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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