Dude my mom stole all your condoms
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize