If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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