My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize