You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
