If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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