he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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