He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I deserve this hangover.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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