I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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