I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
