WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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