a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize