Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
