i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
